Still My Baby

As a lot of you know through Facebook, I recently miscarried what would have been our 5th child.  When I went in for my first (10 wk) ultrasound, the baby had stopped growing about 5 days before.  That whole day before my appt, I was extra nervous and had a feeling and an impression that this baby was not ready.  I cleaned my house, and felt as though I needed to prepare myself and be ready for bad news.  I picked up Aaron for the appt & told him that I thought this baby did not have a heartbeat.  As soon as they did the ultrasound, I saw the baby but there was obviously no little heart beating so fast as there usually is.  The ultrasound tech then split the screen to where you can see the baby on one side and the heart moniter on the other and the heart line was flat.  I knew it.  I started to cry.  Although I had a feeling, of course I wanted to be surprised and relieved that everything was fine.  Since I make my blog posts into books, I am going to record some of this more than I usually would, so if you don't want to read it, I don't blame you.

I miscarried back in 2003 and I was devastated.  I was heartbroken and since I only had Mason, I worried that I would only be able to have him, and he wouldn't have a brother or a sister.  I was upset that I miscarried until I got pregnant with Taryn 6 months later.  It was really a difficult loss for me as it is for most women.

This time was a little bit different.  I already have 4 wonderful children.  Some days I think I am done with 4, but Aaron and I both really think there is one more for us up there waiting.  We can't shake that feeling.  I was thrilled to be pregnant, thrilled that Reina and this baby would be exactly 2 years apart, and thrilled that it would be my last c-section. The morning after I found out, I had a D&C at 6am.  It was so early so my friend Devan gave me a ride there, and Aaron picked me up after.  I needed him to stay home with the kids and get Mason out the door to school since it was so early.  Aaron took care of me that day and my good friend Amy brought us dinner that night.  We also had many people from our ward and friends show up with meals, treats and flowers.  I have a wonderful support system although most of our families are far away.  Although I am sad about losing the baby this time, I realize I am so blessed with the ones I have that I am doing really well.  Life is so busy and fragile that I don't have much time to be sad and wallow you know? 

I am SO grateful that I am in tune with the spirit enough to feel like I was prepared for this loss.  I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and has given me so much comfort this past 2 weeks dealing with this.  My body is almost healed, and my hormones are regulating.  Maybe :)

I am so grateful for my blessings and I live a full and happy life.  And for now, the beautiful picture above of Reina shows me that she is still my baby and that is good for me.